Hey Queens! So I decided to get very personal on this blog because I am hoping that it will help another Queen out. As some of you may know, I have been celibate for the past 4 years but what a lot of people don’t know is why I made the decision to be celibate. I was in a sexually abusive relationship and it really took a toll on me. He was also very controlling and I feared that he would eventually get physically abusive so I left the relationship. However that did not stop him from sexually assaulting me before I left for military training in the Air Force. I believe he wanted to have sex with me before I left and I would not have sex with him since we broke up so he took something from me without my consent or permission. When I was in basic training, I learned about sexual assault and rape. It was very hard for me to sit through certain classes on the topic because I knew I was a victim of sexual abuse and I was suffering from serious sexual trauma during my training. I had nightmares of the incident and I was not able to sleep well either but I overcame these adversities and decided to get baptized the last Sunday of training and that is when I started my celibacy journey March 2015. Unfortunately, when I came home I was sexually assaulted by another man I was dating but this time I could not deal with the trauma because I was still suffering from the first assault. It became too much for me so I decided to report both assaults and I received medical attention in order to help overcome the emotional turmoil I was experiencing. I suffered from severe depression and actually was dual diagnosed. I’ve been in therapy for more than sexual trauma because it brought back more unwanted memories from abuse I suffered from in my childhood and also the grief of losing my parents. After extensive therapy, I was able to overcome my depression and also the trauma associated with the sexual assault such as guilt, shame, and negative self belief. I have over came so much and I am so proud of my progress and growth which is why I want to share this with you all. There was only one problem. I stopped dating for 4 years. I did not go out with any men and I especially didn’t get in their bed. I was so afraid of being raped again that I just avoid men all together which is a sign that you are not healed from trauma: avoidance. I went through a phase where I hated men so much and I knew that was not healthy so I even requested for a male therapist so I can change my way of thinking. I am still recovering and healing however I felt like I needed more help so of course I turned to my waist beads. I added a waist bead that is associated with your sacral chakra which is responsible for passion, sexuality, intimacy, creativity and joy. This energy is used to allow us to improve our relationships with ourselves and others. When I added it to my body, I continued meditating The Heart Chakra before bed which I still continue to do because it is associated with healing hurt and grievances from past experiences. When your heart chakra is open, it allows you to accept love from others and yourself. It also helps you forgive those who have hurt you and also for releasing the fear of betrayal or hatred towards yourself and others. With that being said, I can now say that I feel a lot better about myself and my sexual trauma. I feel completely healed and ready to love again and also except love from others. It will be a process though because I have been through a lot in my life but I am just glad I am healed to the point where I am not closing myself off anymore. Something else I used to do a lot was sabotage relationships with men on purpose because I was not fully healed. I did not believe a man could truly love me for any reason other than sex. I really believed I was damaged and I did not know my worth but I am not in that place anymore. But there was a lot of self work that I had to do along with therapy and it seemed like NOTHING was working. I still feared love, and I still feared men raping me. So I decided to take it to the next level and add a waist bead to help me overcome this very serious issue and it has helped me so much! I love my intimacy waist bead! Thank you for letting me share my story, I hope this can help another fellow waist bead Queen. I will continue to update you on my progress while wearing this bead and also share more details on my journey through healing my sexual trauma. If you have any questions please ask them or leave comments. Much blessings to all of you on your journey!